Love at First Sleep

I looked forward to that special, spiritual moment forever: the moment my baby girl was born into this world. I was expecting to feel this rush of emotion and this immediate love for this precious new life.


That SO did not happen.

Besides utter exhaustion from pushing a baby out of my body, all I remember thinking is:

Who's alien baby IS this??? Why does she have a cone-head? Why is she purple? Why doesn't she look like me?? Why is she screaming? Why won't she STOP screaming? Doesn't she know I'm her mother? Is this REALLY my baby?

There was an immediate disconnect between the strong bond I felt for the baby that grew in my belly and this screaming, crying, cone-headed purple lizard laying on my chest.

I was shocked that my baby was finally here. I also felt guilty that I wasn't in love with her at first sight.

Fortunately, that unconditional love came in small moments the next few hours, days, weeks and months:

Sleeping in my arms in the hospital. (She was less lizard-y and very cute at this point.) THIS is what I was expecting when she was born. L-O-L at me. I really look forward to the next birth of my next baby so I can savor those first few moments of life without wondering why there is an alien on my chest instead of a baby. Now that I am fully prepared, I know I will appreciate it a lot more.


The day we came home from the hospital, I went upstairs to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep- I was too excited and just wanted to watch this new little life I brought into the world



The day she finally smiled, my love grew even more.



But the day I finally realized I loved my little girl more than anything in the world was the first time she slept through the night. I fully own up that my love of motherhood was not complete until that blissful night at 6 weeks post-partum.

Up until that point, I didn't understand how any woman ever had more than one child. It was exhausting! It was emotional! It was tiring! It was stressful! There were small moments of bliss throughout the day. But how could anyone turn their life upside down for a newborn more than once? WHY would they do that?

When I finally got a full night's rest, I knew what unconditional love was. And fortunately for me, this girl loves sleep as much as I do. Goes to bed at 10 pm, sleeps in til 10 am. In the crib, in her car seat, in her Pack'n'play, on an airplane.


I really love my daughter---but especially when she's sleeping. Nothing is as sweet or angelic as a little babe completely conked out.

Linking up to Make My Morning Blog Hop!

19 comments :

  1. congrats to you on the birth of your daughter...and happy Mothers day!!
    we all kind of grow up with our first child....
    i am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

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    1. Thank you! Yes, it's a huge learning experience. The next one will be easier, right??

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  2. Happy mother's day to you! I'm jealous that you got your first full night sleep at 6 weeks! I was waking up at least once a night until 6 months. My son is now 9 months old and I still shudder when I hear the words sleep through the night lol!

    If you want to follow back, I'm at kristakat.blogspot.com!

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    1. I know, the more I talk to other moms, the more I realize how LUCKY I am that she slept for so long at such an early age!! She's had a few sleep regressions but nothing too bad. Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. I loved your post, Tracie. I am so looking forward to a full night's sleep.

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    1. Oh sweet Sarah. It will come soon. Hang in there! You are doing great!!

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  4. She is so darling! oh my goodness. and p.s. you were so tiny all through pregnancy I went through almost all of them.. how cute are you! ha your my inspiration for pregnancy! I can't even imagine how good that will feel to sleep!

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    1. Ha, you are so sweet! I swear I just put up pictures with flattering angles. I'm self-conscious and obsessed with how I look in pictures. Hope you're pregnancy is going well! You're almost there!

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  5. I had a pretty rough birth experience as well and it was difficult to bond with my baby right away- especially when he came out like he did. Anyway, frustrated with my perceived lack of ability to 'be' an instant mother. I gave him my whole heart and that love still grows every day. Good post and thanks for sharing.

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    1. I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone! I was wondering if something was wrong with me because I didn't feel a bond right away. But it always comes later! Especially with sleep. And I had no clue what I was doing with a baby when I came home from the hospital. But you learn as you go! Thanks for commenting!

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  6. Dustin and I had a similar reaction when we first saw her... I was so shocked by her huge cone head and she didn't look anything like I expected. I think the love is growing steadily. Six weeks sounds awesome for a full night of sleep... I would be thrilled if that happened! Clara's sleeping 4-hour stretches right now (2 weeks today) so at least I'm only up twice. The sleep deprivation and hormones have been so hard for me. I saw your comment on my blog- I did drop the baby weight super fast (but I never ended up gained much in the first place)- its almost been a problem though because with all the breastfeeding I'm constantly feeling dizzy/lightheaded like I can't eat enough to keep up with her (and she's gained a lb. and a half since we left the hospital in less than 2 weeks!) Anyway, I'm loving all of your posts since I'm experiencing so many of the same things. I keep pointing them out to Dustin to read so he'll realize I'm not just crazy! Things have already gotten slightly better but I still feel so overwhelmed by being a parent. She's the most intimidating person I've ever met!

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    1. Four hours isn't bad for a two week old!! Hope you're hanging in there. It will get better, I promise!!

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  7. Ohhh! She's so beautiful!! But it's funny, I know what you mean... when my daughter was born she also had the cone head going and was really, really red! I was like, "what happened??" But all was normal, and soon after I would see how cute she was as she quickly turned to the most adorable thing I ever saw...
    Thanks for stopping by my blog, I am a new follower of yours as well!

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    1. Ha, I'm soo glad I'm not the only one who had the "What the... is this baby??" reaction! Thanks for stopping by!

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  8. Your baby is adorable. And I don't have kids yet, but I know I will be anticipating those full night sleeps the day he or she comes into the world...

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  9. That is exactly what I was thinking! Wishing you all the best and I found your blog on the MBC.

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  10. Both of my boys have always hated to sleep. My oldest didn't sleep for more than five hours in a row until he was 18 months old!! New baby is 10 months now, and wakes routinely at 4am. Our ped said some kids just don't like to sleep, and lucky me - I got two of them! I am lucky though. I cherish every tiring day with those little guys. Love your blog and you have a beautiful little girl. I'm following you now via the Monday blog hop. Been a hectic week, so I'm just now getting around to all the blogs. If you have a chance and are so inclined, I'd love a follow back. Looking forward to reading more of your posts. :)

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  11. Very honest post. If I didn't love my baby until he slept through the night, that would have been a month ago (19 months)! But I understand how you feel. Sometimes when I think about having more I get overwhelmed. I don't know how some women do it with one kid after another after another!

    p.s. Following you back. My hubby and I love Psych too; that's why we watched that movie!

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